I only breastfed Regan for 6 months and she was supplemented with formula from about two months. Then with Gwen and Braden I become more educated and was able to nurse them for 20 months and 22 months respectively. Gwen was about the best nurser ever, seriously. She sweetly referred to nursing as "boo boos" and when she nursed, even in those last months, she would always lay still and just snuggle with me. Braden was a bit different and when he was around a year we went through a difficult time where he did a lot of biting, and was nursing like a newborn---i.e. non-stop around the clock. However, we persevered and he nursed until he was nearly two years old. Both Gwen and Braden only weaned when they did because I was pregnant and my milk dried up early on both times. If that had not been the case I would have happily nursed them both for much longer than they did.
And then we have Coen. Coen has by far been the most challenging nurser. As an infant things were fine, but as he approached toddler hood things began getting more difficult. Now at 19 months I have reached the point where I do not enjoy nursing him at all. 95% of all nursing sessions with him include him kicking me, pinching me, pulling my hair, and literally screaming at the top of his lungs when he decides that he wants to nurse. Speaking of which, he is still waking about four times a night to nurse, and all hell breaks loose if I don't nurse him for as long as he wants. Basically, nursing him sucks (no pun intended!).
As a breastfeeding advocate and a moderator at a breastfeeding forum I always tell mamas that they should nurse for as long as the relationship is mutually enjoyable for both her and her baby. Now here I am not enjoying my nursing relationship. I mean, I really dread nursing him and every time he lets me know that he wants to nurse I feel myself getting annoyed and sometimes even angry. The second he latches on I find myself counting down the seconds until I can unlatch him.
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place with this situation. I always thought that I would want to nurse Coen as long as possible, especially considering that he is our last baby. However, instead I am finding myself wishing that he would wean, like, yesterday. Except that he still loves breastfeeding and is showing no signs of being willing to give it up. He gets crazy happy and excited when I tell him that he can nurse, and of course I do not want to take something away from him that makes him so happy. I know that there is no way to wean him without a lot of tears, and even possibly long-term emotional trauma.
So, I stick with it. I am trying to remember to relax and just breathe through the nursing sessions. I am also trying to teach Coen how to be a "better" nurser, although we aren't making much progress on that front. I am finally trying to remind myself constantly that someday he won't be breastfeeding anymore and not only am I going to miss it, but no doubt all of the frustrations that I am going through with breastfeeding now will be a distant, blurry memory compared to the happy memories that I have associated with it.
Here is one of my favorite photos of all time, with me nursing Coen when he was about 8 months old:
4 comments:
Shana, I admire your perserverance. You should be so proud of yourself!
((((Shana and Coen))))
I know the feeling. Avery just got kicked off the nummies this evening before bed when he scraped my gums with his thumbnail. He has started getting one warning to "nurse nice, or nummies go bye-bye," and then if he pinches, kicks, bites, etc. after that, I unlatch him and I say, "Nummies all done now. NURSE NICE, Avery." He gets pissed, but it seems to have helped.
That said, you are absolutely right about nursing needing to feel positive for both of you, at least much of the time! As much as I want to let Avery decide when we're done, we very well may end up with mother-led weaning, and I know he'd miss it like crazy, but I don't think it would really damage him, you know? He can learn to find that closeness in snuggles and kisses, too. But it's a tough time, and a hard decision.
As I reflected on what I wrote, I realized how I might have come across condescending. Sorry if I did, and that I didn't validate your frustration. I have never a succesfull bf experience (not for lack of trying) so I can't personally relate to nursing an older child. In the end, I hope the two of you can work it out so your both happy again. Way to go Mama!
Lori, I didn't find your comment condescending at all! I appreciated it very much, actually. I know that you had mentioned before that you were unable to breastfeed and it makes me glad that we can respect each other's experiences, even though they have been very different. Our ability to do so is a sign of a true friendship. :-)
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