Mom Jeans

They sag in the ass, the cut is "relaxed", the material is such that they will fit you through three or four sizes as you gain and loose weight, the rise nearly meets the bottom of your previously white nursing bra, and they disguise any curves you have by making you look like you were made from a box mold. We all swear that we will never wear them, that we will not become one of those moms who wears her baggy sweatshirts and fugly pants like a uniform.

Then it happens. You need new pants and you are desperate to find a pair that will not give you a full blown muffin top. You find a pair that keeps your belly in, at least while you are standing, and in your hurried state of mind you think they look OK. You convince yourself that the ankles aren't as tapered as they appear in the dressing room mirror and the denim isn't too blue.

Weeks go by, maybe even months. You wear those pants in public many times and you feel confident that you look just as good as the mom at your children's school who wears DKNY and Calvin Klein jeans everyday. Then as you walk down the street one day you happen to capture a glimpse of yourself in a store window and you suddenly realize, "Holy shit, I'm wearing mom pants!" After that realization and a flood of embarrassment you can't get home to change fast enough.

I'd love to say that this has not happened to me, but if I said that I would be lying. I'm sporting my mom jeans as I type this, as a matter of fact. I temporarily lost my mind and ordered them on-line without ever trying them on. I know, I know, buying pants online is a sure fire way to end up in the situation I am in, but as a mom to four spending hours perusing the racks at the mall is just as likely to happen as a refreshing night of sleep. I'm embarrassed to say that they were not cheap mom jeans either since they came from the ridiculously overpriced Eddie Bauer, so I do not feel like I can just give them over to Goodwill without a second thought.

I guess I am keeping them and I'll keep telling myself that they don't look THAT bad. I'll probably try to wear them only on days that I don't have to leave the house much, but with my record breaking track record of laundry avoidance it is likely that these will be my only clean pair of pants on that day that I absolutely have to go to the grocery store. With my luck that will also be the day that I run into every person I have ever met and they will all gather in my wake to decide how they are going to get me on "What Not to Wear" post haste after seeing me clad in my mom jeans.

Stacy and Clinton, here I come!